3 competitions, 11 months of prep. A reflection on 2022

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”― Ernest Hemingway

2022 was not a year I expected. I find myself now, in March 2023, finally taking some time to reflect on the marathon of 11 months of competition prep, and everything else that happened along the way.

The highs were amazing, but the journey to reaching mountain peaks came with deep lows, tears, and unbelievable grief and loss that I am still processing today. I'm thankful and amazed that God decided before I was born that I got to take this incredible journey, and through it lead me closer to Him. He never allowed a hair to fall from my head without His will, and during hard times, always gave me what I needed. 

I want to say, I regret nothing that I did in those 11 months. Not even the mistakes. NOTHING! I needed the bad with the good. You learn through hardship. 

Life comes with all kinds of hard. I've experienced hard before. We all have hard in some way or another. However, competition prep is a whole new hard. Mentally, it's incredible. There are days you feel unstoppable, and days you don't know how you're going to get through the next hour. 

As a Christian the first hurtle was "Is this something I can participate in?" I've heard the criticism. It's always from those who have a lot to say, but never ask any questions about what bodybuilding actually is beforehand. They see a woman in a crystal suit, and right away assume it's a Miss Universe beauty contest. Nothing could be further from the truth! 

Of course, the women's categories come with different body types, different amount of muscle mass, different expectations, and poses. Some of these categories have poses I myself would not be comfortable doing , however I reserve my judgement and enjoy what these categories show in terms of muscular development. 

Bodybuilding IS about muscular development, the level of conditioning you can reach, and how well you can show it. It's a science and an art. I enjoy the science, the mental and physical challenge, the uniqueness of each competitor and seeing each of their God given genetic strong points. I'm fascinated with the human body, it's ability to adapt, and what it is capable of. If you find the above fascinating ,then you understand me. It's beauty, but not in the typical sense. 

Getting lean to the point where your face creases, you're exhausted, grouchy, craving and, if you're doing a category like Women's Physique where you have to get so lean to see muscle striations, you don't feel anything close beautiful! Sure, you put on makeup and look pretty, that's just part of the presentation. However, most uneducated people will say "that looks gross!' Which brings me to my point, it's not done to be sexual, it's bodybuilding! A sport in it's own right. 

Every professional sport competes to see the best that a human body is capable of. Instead of trying to see how fast a human can run, or how heavy one can lift, or how high one can jump, bodybuilding shows the capabilities of how much muscle mass a human being can build and how lean they can be to show it. Each competitor loves the chase. the challenge, and the inner conflict, both good and bad, that shapes them throughout the journey to the stage. 

What lies in that last sentence, is what keeps us competitors coming back. Just getting to into fitness and to the point of having enough muscle mass to go on stage takes massive change, passion, and inner discipline. After reaching the goal of getting on stage and reflecting on what you've accomplished, what you've learned....I can't describe it.....somehow you cherished the torture, because you grew. It hurts, and it heals, and somehow through the tears and the hard days, you become mentally stronger and yet, you've become hyper-aware of your weaknesses too. For me, I realized so much my dependance lays on God. 

Although I didn't fast, I was training hardcore, and dieting hardcore, and I can appreciate the benefits of Biblical fasting and submitting your dependance on God. 

It seems strange to say. Hardships make you see your weakness, and yet build mental fortitude. Ripping away all the crutches and distractions makes you have to deal with all of your ugly parts inside you otherwise can ignore.
As with many things in my life, I see God's hand guiding at all times.

I started this journey in 2020. I had been diagnosed with Lyme the previous year, and had a rough time. I'd also been dealing with thyroid, bladder, asthma, gut, MTHFR genetic mutations, PCOS, joint pain and inflammation, and other immune issues for years previous. I'd been continually learning ways to help myself with diet, but I wanted something to change in terms of strength. I had a family with 3 children, one disabled I need to care for. I was tired of being sick and tired. I started to study personal training and made some wonderful gains with my own knowledge, but I wanted to learn more. I started following different Instagram fitness pages, etc. 

I came across someone on Instagram who intrigued me. A bodybuilder, a coach, and a no bullshit type of person. Let's call him Matt. 

Despite our disagreements and me deciding to part ways in the end, I want to say, during the 1st years Matt gave me some of the most incredible mentorship I've had in my entire life. I'm not here to out him, undermine him, or anything of the sort. In my opinion, he did not do everything right in the end, yet I can't, in any capacity, hate him. 

I can't say I've ever remembered someone tell me they were proud of me in my life, till I was being coached by him. We became good friends for a time. Matt was a huge part of my story. A huge part of my growth.

In terms of personality, he was a large mixture of "F*ck your feelings" and get it done, along with a willingness to open up, feel, and cry. He was ALL of the emotions. To this Dutch girl, I struggled most with this. If you understand Dutch people, we tend to be matter of fact, blunt, no nonsense, hard shelled people. Emotion isn't something I know what to do with. Peeling back layers is not my strong suit, but I'm trying, hence this blog!

Matt had a tendency to be abrasive. Nothing I couldn't deal with. After all, I am Dutch! Nothing said wasn't any more opinionated than anything you'd hear an old grouchy Opa say to another one. 
I'm tolerant. 

To be successful with a coach, one must be honest, open, and willing to learn. Easy for me to do the work, Hard for me to open up! In time, I learned to be vulnerable, just a little.

Fast forward a couple years. Success. More education, certifications, and lots of guidance from Matt. Matt never ever treated me badly in those years. NEVER! 

I decided to compete. Just to say I did it, to defy my health conditions..I discussed the dates with Matt. He agreed I had time to prepare for these.  I told no one but a few friends and my brother. I bought the suits, I learned to pose, I spent the money to do it right. 6 weeks from competition, Matt says "What? 6 weeks to go? You're not ready! You don't step on stage unless you're ready. You compete to win! You need to do a different show later" 

I was upset. mad, livid actually!. We discussed the date. I told him my reasons were not just to win. I knew there would come a time that my body might fight me again....it had not yet, and to me, competing was now or never. I felt amazing, and wanted to try. I think he was afraid I would be embarrassing condition for the stage, as a trainer, I understand.

Thankfully, my posing coach encouraged me and him to still let me go.(I would have taken myself into competition had he decided not to, I did a course on competition prep) I went, I posed, I got the medals and the Pro cards. I have her to thank for pushing the issue. 

And then I made the mistake of choosing to do my pro debut the same year....

To a regular person it probably wasn't a big deal, but to me with all my health conditions, I should have waited.

Directly after my 1st 2 competitions, I got a stomach bug. I threw up for 3 weeks. I lost more weight. I spent the next two weeks force feeding myself bread and butter, just to get the weight up. I had one good week where I did a photoshoot for Muscle and Fitness Hers, and I was tossed back into prep once again. 

During this first week, was the next blow. I had a birthday party, and I chose to switch my potato carbs for a cupcake. I also had a slip up in that week. I can't believe what was said. "This isn't the behavior of a pro". My perfectionist mind was brought to the forefront. "You're not a pro. Pro's are perfect."

The impostor syndrome began. I worried I was going to be uncovered for the sham I really was.' I'm not a Pro. I got lucky. I didn't deserve my wins. You're not a pro.' I prayed, I cried. 'Lord, I'm afraid to lose and disappoint, and Lord I'm afraid to win too! Your will be done, just teach me what I need to learn"

The next few months was filled with this type of negative motivation. I felt I was on a roller coaster of emotion. I didn't know if I was going to be encouraged, or mocked. I would send a picture when I had good lighting to show progress on my legs, and he would make a mocking Instagram post about clients who sent in crappy check-in pictures. I have so many examples of degrading actions like this. Each time I either didn't respond or I told him those things hurt..... I knew he could be an ass to people who annoyed him, but that wasn't the person I knew. He never treated me like that before. 

I started to become sick again. I began crying daily, weeks and weeks of crying and exhaustion. I was so deeply depressed. My hair was falling out. I'm tough and often just motor through and ignore symptoms. However, I knew what this was and why. Thyroid issues!

 I brought up so.many.times that my dietary fat intake needed to be brought up, not only for brain function, but because I had a degenerative autoimmune thyroid condition and issues with my carnitine shuttles- I don't absorb fat well. I was on 2tbsp of coffee cream and meat as my only fat sources. I should have listened to my own education. I knew it wasn't right... I brought it up again, I needed more dietary fat! The same answer came, "keep me up to date" and/or just pull the plug on competition.  

I went to the doctor for blood tests, and the results were awful. TSH of 23, thyroid antibodies at nearly 400. White blood cell count was getting lower. During the 1st competition prep my doctor changed my thyroid meds but he brought them up. Upon further conversation, the lack of dietary fat was a huge factor. I knew I should have listened to myself. MY education. MY experience living in my body. Not doing what I knew was best for me, is on ME! I'll own that!

Two mornings later, and 6 weeks from competition, the slurred speech began, and I could hardly bring myself to get out of bed. I was exhausted and so depressed (Low thyroid will cause depression) but also so cast down after another negative comment the day before. I was told I shouldn't share a video of a row since It wasn't perfect, and if I can't master something I had no business teaching others. What was meant, I can only assume, as motivational criticism to light a fire in me, left me completely broken. There was nothing left. 

I knew that it was over. It was time to quit, and time to say goodbye. 

I didn't know what to do, but I knew that I needed to leave the whole situation calm and clean, and that is what I chose to do. He was mad. In the most professional "screw you" way he could, he told me everything I suspected he thought of me anyways. I was told to quit, bodybuilding isn't for the mentally and physically weak. I was told I didn't know much, that I was immature, and that I didn't know anything about running a business (I run a construction company with my husband, and previously worked various positions for 2 banks)  Then there was the Miss Piggy post about me on Instagram and Facebook. I didn't fight back. I said thank you for the lessons and walked away and took my health, my mind, and my power back. 

But the story doesn't end there. Tamara either find's a way or makes one. No....no.....God does.
Along the way, through my 1st competition, I met an impressive Pro competitor name Scott. who became a great friend. 2 weeks before the final blow out mentioned above, I asked him if he ever messed up with diet. Scott said, "of course! We all do!" Scott had an incredible mindset, and often was open with struggles he had during prep, as well as an "it is what it is" attitude. Live in the present. Move on from mistakes.
This became an incredible asset in helping me rebuild. 

BUT what I was most amazing. Scott is an Naturopathic Doctor. I asked him to help me. I didn't know if I'd make it to my final competition, but I was willing to let him look over what was going wrong. I explained ALL my medical history, and he knew everything that needed to be done. He understood what I was talking about when I told him about MTHFR mutations, thyroid, lyme, etc. We chatted, we made a plan. He respected my concerns, and my opinion. 

I hadn't decided as of then, if I was going to compete, but just to see if I could get back on my feet. There it was, put in my path by the good Father above. An answer. 

The first weekend, All I did was eat. All the fattiest foods. I ate nearly a whole cheese cake, sausages, cheese, peanut butter sandwiches, grilled cheese, salmon, and everything cooked in olive oil, My 1st priority was getting nourished again.  

After 2 full days of eating, Scott brought up my fat intake to 30% of my calories, and raised my calories significantly. We let my body rest a few days while he changed my training to be less intense so my body could recover easier. We got the most nourishing folate rich veggies back into my diet, and my mindset back on track. 

My best friend walked into my house 1 week later, and looked at me and said, "What did you do? You have colour back in your face! I thought you were dying." 

I recovered well. In fact, I couldn't believe how great I felt. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I got better. 

Even on higher calories, I actually lost weight. After several weeks I decided it was a go. 

The rest is history. I did it! I felt like a million bucks on peak week. My energy was high as a kite, my mental clarity was on point. I lost some muscle mass being sick, I learned some hard lessons. Therein lies the beauty in the ashes. 

I stood on that stage that night. I'll never forget what the stage looked like, the crack in the floor, the bright lights reflecting off of it as I prayed, "Lord just teach me what I need to learn from this too". I didn't place. It was disappointing, and freeing! I cried some more. Despite what happened, the 1st person I wanted to talk to was Matt. Despite what he became I missed who he was at one point. 

The days throughout prep also showed me who was really my friends. Human nature is strange, really!

There were those close to me who pretended what I was doing didn't exist. At all! Not competing, not starting a business. Nothing!
There were those who doubted me when I started, who now esteem me too highly.
There are those who "know someone who knows someone who doesn't like what I do"...Ive never found out who the someones are, and I suspect someone is no one, except maybe the person telling me.
There are those who want all my advice for free yet don't value it enough to be willing to listen anyways. 

I don't tell this story to undermine anyone, especially Matt. He was good with certain things. In this game, no one knows really how you're going to respond. In this game, some people perhaps can get away with less fat intake. I'm a unique case. I needed someone with more education to do it safely. 

I still struggle to comprehend the why he acted the way he did! Matt has his side too, I'm sure. I know he was struggling with his own demons. If I am honest, despite him being rotten, the loss is still significant, even if it was something I chose. I will grieve it. I will be ok. 

One might read my side and think, how can you forgive? How can you say that with peace and love? 

All I can say is, my Father is a God of forgiveness. I have prayed for Matt's heart and for his own peace, and in praying for the person who hurt me, I do not feel anger. In our time as friends, I shared my faith and maybe He will benefit from that someday. I am thankful that God put him as part of my story. I am! Not as a lesson, but just simply because God allowed it for my good. 

So, 5 months later, I am still processing. The lessons, the people, and the grace of God. 

My friend and fellow competitor, Grace, was so wonderful to listen to my story one day. She said something that hit me in the heart. "Nobody can destroy you, because you have a good Father in heaven". Ah, my sister in faith, how God blessed me in letting me meet you too!

I am still friends with Scott. I look forward to competing again with his guidance and positive encouragement. This time, in a healthy way. Mentally and Physically.

I have shifted now to powerlifting for now. I love it. I have 2 coaches. Erica and Alistair. They have also shown me a kinder, more refreshing way to coach. I believe in my abilities again. I still don't see myself as a Pro. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Maybe it's a worthless Earthly title. 

What I am though, with full assurance, is a child of God above. 

"All I have needed Thy hand has provided, Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"